Why You Can’t Think Your Way Into Safety: Understanding the Limits of Insight in Healing
Maybe you’ve read my book, Anxiously Attached, followed me and other therapists on Instagram for years, journaled through your patterns, and even connected the dots back to your childhood experiences. You know what’s going on, and you even cognitively know how to “fix” it.
And yet, you still feel unsafe, unsettled, or reactive.
Here’s the truth: Understanding your patterns is often a first great step and is very important in the non-linear process of healing. However, insight alone isn’t enough to transform the way you feel, relate, or show up in the world around you. And the reason why is good…
The Thinking Brain Can’t Override a Dysregulated Nervous System
When you’re healing from relational trauma, like attachment wounds, your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for logic, language, and executive function) may know you’re safe. But if your limbic system (which includes your amygdala and hippocampus) has stored past experiences as dangerous, and your nervous system has (intelligently) adapted accordingly, that safety won’t register in your body, where it matters most.
You may:
Get flooded with anxiety when someone doesn’t text you back, even though you know it doesn’t mean they’re abandoning you
Shut down emotionally in moments of intimacy, even if you know your partner is trustworthy
Spiral into self-doubt after minor feedback, even when you know it’s not personal
The gap between knowing and feeling can be incredibly confusing and frustrating, especially when you’ve spent so much time trying to actually heal. But it’s not that you didn’t scroll through enough reels or read enough books. Unfortunately, this is how trauma and implicit memory work.
What’s Happening Under the Surface
Your very intelligent body holds on to past experiences through a process called implicit memory, where sensory, emotional, and somatic imprints are formed outside of conscious awareness. These memories often don’t come with words or context. They are just felt.
So, even when your mind is saying, “You’re okay,” your body might still be saying, “You’re not safe!”
That’s why practices that are only cognitive, like affirmations, traditional talk therapy, or reasoning with yourself, can fall short. In some cases, they can even backfire, increasing the shame you may already feel. You may start to question yourself, like “I know better, so why am I still reacting this way?”
When Insight Turns to Shame
Here’s a hard truth: The more self-aware you become, the easier it is to turn your awareness against yourself. You might feel like you’re “failing” at healing because the same reactions and patterns keep returning. But these reactions aren’t signs that you’re not trying hard enough. They’re a sign that your nervous system needs more than insight/information to feel safe.
Healing looks like expanding your capacity to feel differently and less like perfectly managing your thoughts (how exhausting). We want you to be able to soften into safety, access regulation, and respond from a more grounded place. Which, of course, brings us to the core of real, lasting healing.
Safety is a Felt Experience
Can I tell you some more bad news? You can’t logic your way into safety. BUT, the good news is, you can learn how to experience it.
This is where body-based healing becomes essential. Somatic practices, co-regulation, trauma-informed therapy, and even everyday mindfulness and meditation can begin to gently rewire your nervous system and create new internal associations of safety.
You’re not going to try to erase your past. Instead, you’re going to teach your body what safety feels like now.
This is something you shouldn’t do alone. One of the most powerful ways to heal, especially from relational trauma, is having someone with you who can help you regulate your emotions, witness your story without judgment, and serve as a safe, grounded anchor as you begin to feel more.
The Role of Co-Regulation in Healing
In my new book, SAFE, we will explore how healing often requires being with another person who can hold space for your emotional experience, especially when that experience is overwhelming, confusing, or hard to verbalize.
Whether it’s a therapist, coach, or trusted partner, the process of co-regulation allows your nervous system to borrow a sense of calm from someone else until you begin to internalize it as your own. This is a process of repair, not dependence.
It’s one of the reasons working with a professional can be so life-changing.
If you’re navigating these patterns and looking for a more embodied path to healing, SAFE was written for you. Inside, you’ll find neuroscience-backed insights, somatic (body) practices, and trauma-informed strategies to help you move beyond survival and into connection with yourself and others.
Are you looking for a more personalized approach? I have an incredible team of trained coaches that would love to walk alongside you and provide you with a safe space that will transform you from the inside out. Click here to learn more about my team.